11/12/10 STILLNESS

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  Psalm 46:10

A few months ago at a RAW rehearsal, one of the P&W leaders came and prayed for me. She put her hands on my chest and told me that "the voice" was there.

I had so many questions. I had so many doubts. I was curious but uncertainty was clouding my mind. There was the ultimate answer. He was here all along. Speaking, waiting for me to respond.

That same night she told me that it wouldn't be easy all the time. That there would be times were it would be very hard to do more than just listen to His voice. She told me to make sure that I obeyed, because it would be well worth it.

I heard Him speak to me as clear as day just a few days ago. All I did was obey. I didn't ask why me, or why He chose to do things the way He did? Why does it matter? I just followed instructions.

The decisions I've made have not been difficult ones. What's been difficult is the process. I feel like these are baby steps. Small decisions with a lot of meaning. Wanting to hear "Wow! Job well done. God bless you! That is awesome. I pray that He leads and guides you." When you hear the opposite..."WHAT?! God???" it hurts. I wish people would direct their doubts to God. Ask for clarity for themselves. I guess that all comes with the territory.

I am slowly learning to hold on to His promises. Not to go by what I see. To hold on to what He has told me. Not to be dismayed by what I hear.

God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good? Numbers 23:19

I trust Him. I just want to trust Him in peace. I don't want any interference in the line between me and God. I want His commands to be the only thing that moves me. I KNOW He is God. Its the stillness part I am still working on. Father show me how to be still... <3

11/10/10 The Stand Still

I began to pursue a relationship with God in April of 2009. Since then there have been HUGE changes in my life. I have stopped drinking, smoking, partying etc. I've made many changes to the way I was living. There was such an obviouse transformation, that I could physically see every time I jumped over a hurdle. I was visibly different.

 After all of the behavioral changes and all of the apparent changes, I felt like I had hit the clutch and gone into 1st gear. For a moment I felt like I had done something wrong. I felt as though God was done. I felt stuck. My problem was that my life had changed so quickly and drastically, that when it was time to concentrate on the inside I felt like God had made a screeching hault. I kept asking him, "Lord what am I doing wrong? What do you need?" Like the awesome, loving God that our Heavenly Father is, He answered me. He told me now that I was done with my foolishness and acting up, He wanted to deal with me. The real me. He wanted to deal with me inside, my heart, my mind. He told me it was time to give Him my all. I realized there was so much I had to change. I mean SO much!

A few Sundays ago, Bishop said that sometimes God will take you off the main road to get you acquainted with Him. Here I am. I am in the process of serious change. Off the main road. Waiting to get acquainted with Him. Waiting to get acquainted with me... You are welcomed to come along for a ride. I cant promise it'll always be pretty but it will be real.